Friday, September 14, 2007

What a boozy lot you all are

Exactly one year ago, I blogged about the keywords being used by random people who found their way here in search of something else. Lacking anything better to write about, I thought I might do the same today. The results are somewhat enlightening.



As you can see, there are some odd people in internetland. I'm not sure what the sub-perversion of bestiality involving frogs is called, but there are at least three people out there actively looking for more information. And then there's the random words HORSERADISH CARTOON which I made up from the most shiny keys on my keyboard a couple of days ago. It meant nothing to me, but obviously does to someone from Oklahoma City.

JRubin rears his ugly head once again, even though it's two years and two days since I asked him to fuck off. I guess that the nice people at AOL still haven't managed to track him down. Or close his email account for that matter.

Someone also seems to be looking for a road sweeper, somewhere in the UK. He'll be lucky - they all use those great big wheeled vacuum cleaner things nowadays.

I really don't know what 'colin and hobble' means. Unless someone really can't spell Calvin and Hobbes.

But by far the most people stumbling upon my words of wisdom came here in search of booze. And to be more specific, in search of plum brandy. You want to know how to make it, where to get it, how much of it will fit in a kilner jar. Everything. When I was looking for a plum brandy recipe, I just typed 'plum brandy recipe' into the internet search engine of my choice, and that was really enough. Obviously some people need more hand-holding.

All of which gives me a plan. A cunning wheeze to boost the readership figures from their normal, rather pathetic average of twelve a day. Now, at least once a week, I will write a post that includes detailed references to booze.

Today we will have the way to make the perfect Martini.

The Perfect Martini *

First, put your gin in the freezer at least a day before you want to use it. You can put all your white spirits in the freezer - I keep vodka in there as well. It makes for nicely chilled cocktails. Also uninvited guests never seem to think to look there when they're helping themselves to the contents of your drinks cupboard.

Take a cocktail shaker and add plenty of ice.

Pour on a half measure of really dry vermouth. Most people rave about Noilly Prat,** but I find its taste can be a bit cloying. Martini extra dry is all right, but actually some of the cheap supermarket ones aren't bad either. The only stipulation is that it must be extra dry. We're talking Atacama Desert here.

Swirl the vermouth around the ice cubes. At this point, purists will then strain it off, leaving only the homeopathic memory of vermouth succussed into the frozen water molecules. I'm prepared to let a half measure of vermouth stay.

Add three measures of good gin to the shaker. Avoid gins that are less than 40% alcohol, but equally be wary of gins that are more than 45%. They tend to burn the tongue. If using a really strong gin, like Bombay Sapphire export strength, or Tanquery 50, you can use two and half measures of gin and half a measure of water.

Stir the mixture with a swizzle stick, then strain into a Martini glass, leaving the ice behind.

Add a sliver of lemon peel - the zest rather than the bitter white pith - twisted to release the essential lemon oils into the mixture.

Drink, and enjoy. But beware of this cocktail, as it comes with a sting in the tail. Three measures of gin is, by my jigger, 120ml. It doesn't take all that long to get through a litre bottle at that rate. Also remember that, whilst one Martini is never enough, two Martinis are always too many. Three is near enough half a bottle of gin.

Some people insist that your Martini be shaken vigorously. This is OK, but technically wrong - purists say it bruises the gin, which is a load of old bollocks. I find it leads to frothiness, and tiny slivers of ice breaking into the mix and spoiling the otherwise crystal clear appearance of the drink.

A cocktail olive can be added either in addition to or instead of the lemon twist. Again, it's a matter of preference. The slight saltiness and oiliness of the olive can help to cut through the spices of the gin, but sometimes the freshness of lemon peel is all that's required. Also, un-waxed lemons keep in the fridge for ages - though you need to wrap them up in cling film once you've started peeling them. But cocktail olives never seem to last.

Next time - the perfect Rusty Nail.

* and by writing it twice, once in large font, I'll be right at the top of the search engine results. Soon the world will be mine. bwahahahahahaaa!
** I love the way you have to enter you date of birth before they'll let you into the Noilly Prat website. Like no-one's ever thought of lying about their age. And since when was reading about alcohol illegal for minors?

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1 Comments:

Blogger Gabriele C. said...

Well, at least they don't come looking for dirty jokes about Welsh sheep, or sheep poo. :)

September 17, 2007 12:42 am  

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