Monday, November 12, 2007

I guess I was ill then

Or at least out of sorts enough to shun the internet for a few days. My apologies if you came here looking for insight. Or indeed if you came here trying to find out about frogs having sex. Or twisty turny things.

Yes, for lack of any other inspiration, I am forced to read the keyword searches that have brought unwitting strangers to these shores. I quite like the hope in the expression 'beautiful people with underbites,' although I am at a loss as to how such a romantic search could end up here. Beauty, of course, is in the eye of the beholder, but to me an underbite will always spoil things. Try as I might, I can't get away from the connotations of rural inbreeding and stupidity wrongly associated with the affliction.*
Perhaps in Pittsburgh it's a sign of high intellect. Who knows?

More seriously worrying is the fellow who typed in 'explain what should be done if an artery is punctured by mistake.' I'm thinking that by the time you've typed that into google it's probably too late. At the very least you're going to need a new carpet. He comes from Germantown, Maryland, which might explain things. And he's definitely a he. That's not the sort of thing a woman would try to look up on the internet. Next time try phoning 911 (or 999 if you're in the UK.**)

My cunning plan to draw blog traffic by writing about booze seems to be working. Apart from the physicist wanting to know 'why a rusty nail is heavier' (presumably than a non-rusty one - hint, it's to do with rust being iron oxide rather than just iron, also the almost inevitable presence of water in the mix), there is a satisfying number of people searching for cocktail recipes. The plum brandy season seems to have passed, though. Perhaps time to put up a recipe for Sloe Gin.

Someone actually typed 'aberystwyth unambitious' into a search engine, which is mighty strange until you realise that 'Aberystwyth is the perfect town for an unambitious man' is actually quite a famous quote, attributed to Wynford Vaughan-Thomas. Well, it's famous in Wales, anyway. Or so I've found out. I didn't know until ten minutes ago.

I have every sympathy for the poor fellow from Colombia, Maryland (what is it with Maryland?) who is 'sore from sneezing.' That's not a nice affliction, I can confirm. I'm not sure that I can do anything about it, though.

And then there's the resident of Reston, Virginia, who wants to know about 'being a gooseberry.' I suspect that if you need to ask, then you probably are.

But I think perhaps my favourite, this time round, comes from Sussex, Virginia, where they are obviously having problems with their pets. Why else would they be asking the internet to 'explain why cat moans when needing to have a bowel movement'?

Answers on a postcard, please.

*
so much for being a modern man.
**and there's a question. 999 was invented in the days of steam-powered telephones with heavy circular crank dials.*** 9 was the number that took the most effort and the longest time to dial. So why did they chose to repeat it three times for an emergency? You could have passed out from blood loss before the second one had clunked its way back round to zero.
*** I know this because, luddite that I am, I still have one.

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