Thursday, February 26, 2009

Clean your hamsters with araldite

That should get google working overtime.

Yes, it's that time again, when I look at the stats on my blog - in particular the keywords used in searches that land the unwary on these shores - and wonder just what it is that goes through the minds of the average netsurfer. Here's a screendump to kick us off.

If you can't easily read it, then click to embiggen. But if you can't even be bothered to do that, then let me expand a little.

'i'm sitting down on the outside, but i'm standing up on the inside.'

No, you've got me there. I've absolutely no idea what that's about. Short people? Some sort of internalised rebellion against sedentariness? I just don't know.

'giant cat rampage.'

Now that's more like it. Gargantuan moggies roaming the countryside, causing mayhem and distruction with their squeaky mewling and fluffy hair. Oh, and claws.

'new running shoe smell.'

I understand that there is a proportion of the population find this sort of thing...
*ahem* stimulating.

'as fife.'

Remember, this is exactly what someone has typed into a search engine. Not a snippet, but the whole thing. What does it mean? What were they thinking? What were they trying to find? Likewise 'bloorp.'

'stuart macbride halfhead book.'

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but Stuart's blog is called 'halfhead' - as it happens after the rather fine novel of the same name that will be in bookshops soon. But why, if you've typed 'stuart macbride halfhead book' into a search engine, and presumably been given the choice of Stuart's blog, website, HarperCollins gubbins, author biography on his agent's site and a dozen or more links to Amazon, Barnes and Noble and the like, would you decide, perversely, to come here? More's the pity no-one ever types 'james oswald head book' into google, but if they did, who knows where they'd end up. Swindon, probably.

And finally, my favourite -

'how to clean the inside of your bum internally.'

Note that's 'inside' and 'internally.' Obviously very important. Otherwise you have what we in agriculture call a prolapse. Not pretty. The precision of the enquiry also suggests a very tidy mind - obviously one that can't stand the thought of any shit lying around. The reason this fastidiously hygenic person wound up in the world of Sir Benfro was a humorous post I made some while back about colonic irrigation, but we have to wonder why it is that he (and I'm guessing it's a he but I could be wrong) wants to know how to make his innards shiny and clean. And why, if it's that important to him, he thinks the internet is likely to give him the answers. Pretty much any instructions on internal cleansing he follows from these parts are likely to land him in casualty, methinks.

Answers in the comment, please. Unless you ran that original search, in which case I really don't know how to clean your bum internally. Go away, strange person.



Blogger Vincent said...

Completely unrelated to your post, but re-writing 'Balesley Green' has shown that, so far, you were completely right in saying "of course it's 20% too long". While I could certainly see that some cutting was required, I was sceptical that I could trim a whole 40,000 words from the count.

Except, 7 chapters into the re-write, I'm running almost exactly 20% leaner than first time around, so kudos to you and your writerly wisdom.

February 27, 2009 3:18 pm  
Blogger Gabriele C. said...

Some of these days you'll have to tell us why you have prejudices against plum brandy, how you managed to hack the Ceredigion council (website, I suppose) and if that odd weedy stuff in your garden you keep posting pics of really is canabis. :)

February 27, 2009 3:21 pm  
Blogger JamesO said...

'Prejudice and Plum Brandy' is a book by my old school chum Alec Russell, about his experiences as a journalist during the last Balkan war, Gabriele. I'm not sure if it's still in print, but I'd recommend it if you stumble across a copy.

And everything in my garden has been burned to the ground, which might have made the Red Kites fly a bit strangely through the smoke, I guess;}#

Vincent - to paraphase a certain cigar-chomping TV General, I love it when a glib comment comes good.

February 27, 2009 8:58 pm  

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